What It Appears To Be

Almost Forgotten

2009-09-06T21:40:00.001+08:00

Honesty... is such a lonely word... Every one is so untrue.
Honesty... is hardly ever heard... And mostly what I need from you.

This is an old song, now sang by Beyonce. She did a very good version out of this old tune.
And the words of this song made me reflect much on this Sunday night.
It is always a horrible feeling.
Always.

CNY NOTES

2009-01-26T11:14:00.000+08:00

Although its the usual hang-out, usual makan session, its never boring for me after all. Dad said that we could skip doing the reunion dinner this year 'cos he was feeling monotonous about the whole event. I felt otherwise. It is only this once a year 'compulsory' gathering that we get to sit down together to eat! Furthermore, I love steam boat which I dont have the luxury to eat it every time out in those restuarants! So I love reunion! I love CNY eve! And believe it or not, I was watching KUNGFU HUSTLE the 3rd time last night! Well, its Stephen Chow anyway... Hope everyone will enjoy your CNY! Cheers!

Happiness or Pleasure

2008-12-15T02:00:00.006+08:00

See, I have not been here for a while, like almost 2 months. I dont think many people I know read my blog so it is quite okay. Hmmm. I am getting tired of my work. The 'event' that will be launching on the 1st of Jan 2009 has been giving me hateful thoughts towards people and systems. I do not know if this is the greatest good for the greatest number so that a small portion of us would need to sacrifice to make everyone happy. Nowsaday, I find myself lacking of passion in my duties, towards my work especially. I dont give a damn at all if they want to give me a higher grade - promotion. Or are they going to increase my salary? I DONT GIVE A DAMN. I just want to finish my studies. And hopefully, things will be better in March 09, at my workplace that I do not have to think about leaving. Hubby said that I will make the decision to stay or leave. Leave as in to move to KL which most of my friends are very supportive of me doing it! Honestly, I still love to stay in Singapore 'cos I love being carefree without tha tag of another person. See... Why do I get married at the first place? Well, the idea of cohabitation will never work for me. Now, what am I talking about at 2.12am in the morning? Yes... I am here babbling. There will be a paper in this late evening (7pm!) and I am trying my best to study! And so, I am sick! OF EVERYTHING!

~ such unhappiness ~

~ so which is important - happiness or pleasure? ~

Sunday Stuff

2008-10-12T16:54:00.010+08:00

I hate Sundays. Simply 'cos I need to go back to work on Monday. There is always mixed feelings with some hang-over of emotions on Sundays. The only time I loved my Sundays was when I was not working for a while, I was not with Yadi (the time when we had a short break-up while he was studying overseas) and I never felt so care-free and stress-free and I just spent my Sundays at the beaches. Listening to my favourite songs on the mini-player and sipping my favourite Burbon Coke or Vodka Lime... Sometimes even when it rained I would still hang around there, soaking my skin in the rain and who cared then if I fell sick or not. No need MC!!! Hahahahhaha... SNAP! Wake up! Face the reality now! GOSH... When can I do that? First of all, I need to lose some weight! Hahahahhaha......

Talking about my emotion, I gathered that sad and bad things seemed to happen on Sunday for me... Look here!

Emo One: Long time ago, Yadi had to go away for his overseas studies, the first time and the past times, he always left on a Sunday evening.

Emo Two: Now, Yadi still needs to go away to KL for his work, the first time and every other time, he always leaves on a Sunday evening.

Emo Three: My beloved late granny passed away on a Sunday.

Emo Four: My beloved late grandpa also passed away on a Sunday.

Well, I guess its different stages of our life. How to stick to the same forever, right? Better or worse, we just gotta move our butt and go on...

On a happier note, I went to cut my hair yesterday. I love short hair but my face looks bigger. Thats why I said I need to lose weight. Then I also collected my Amore Challenge goodies bag. Happy la... For a while!

AMORE CHALLENGE BAG

AMORE CHALLENGE GOODIES

Saturday Stuff

2008-10-11T10:56:00.007+08:00

After 2 days of rest, medical leave though, I am much better. There are some things I need to do today.

Get a hair cut
Go to the bank.
Visit my Dad
Collect some stuff
Do my assignment

Randomly, I will have to do one or the other today. As least right now, I already started my assignment on Ethical Issues. The issue is, I need to come out with an ethical dilemma as an example for the essay. It seems so easy and yet, I have no idea what kind of dilemma I want to present. I know I face such issues at times during work but I do not totally handle them myself. I guess I should be asking my colleagues who are always put into challenge in such situation.

Anyhoo, I decided not to go for the Aerobics Challenge since I just recovered from the sickness. I am going to pop by later to see if I can collect the stuff. Well, I can still present my MC if they do not believe me. How strict can they be, I paid for the challenge too! It aint free! Now that the world is in recession, what is more than to bargain for a good cause!? Hahah...

Seems like it is going to rain. I will have lunch and make my move before its too late. I am really a very busy woman! Secretly, I also do not wish to meet any visitors that might come this afternoon... Anti-social mood today! Everyday! Gosh! Whats really eating me man!?

False Delusions

2008-10-10T10:50:00.003+08:00

I am not a pessimistic person but towards skepticism and cynicism. Is that a contradiction? I do not want to be complex but humans are. The more simplicity you are looking at, the more complexity you will find yourself in. Do you think so? Whenever I am sick, I get false delusions. It can be scary when I dreamt of people whom I know died. I dreamt that animals talking to me. I even thought I was in a deja vu and I almost could not differentiate day and night. I must be really sick, isn't it? Hahahaha... Whats wrong with uttering rubbish? I really don't know. Bow over.

Gathering Phobia

2008-10-05T23:28:00.004+08:00

Gathering at Melacca

Yeah. Its the time of the year again where gatherings after gatherings happened. I am very tired. Thinking of going to work the next day does not make me feel any better. In fact its bitter. I was at Melacca and travelling was tiring. Meetings and greetings somehow became a chore. I wondered what will it be like if I am a full-time homemaker. I might enjoy gatherings afterall cos I would be busy preparing dishes and cookies and having the fun of seeing people eating what I made. Hmmm... I do not feel like going to work. I wish I could follow hubby back to KL. I never stop missing him...

MONO

2008-09-22T21:21:00.003+08:00

Everything seems mono to me. Stop telling me that I should go get professional to talk to.

Good Bye!

Going Back To Work

2008-09-16T00:23:00.003+08:00

Feeling a bit indecisive about going back to work. There must be a lot of things waiting for me to do. I really dont feel like working in this place now. Sick and tired. Just so me to feel this way after so many years at one place. And its pretty good that I can stay this long. After spending Saturday and Sunday with hubby in his KL apartment, it really kills my mood to go back to work again. I think my wound is recovering well after taking the stronger antibiotics. I am happy that my exam is finally over on Monday. Tuesday will be another day and I am feeling really moody. Dreadful.

A New Blog Skin

2008-09-11T13:06:00.004+08:00

This is so difficult. I used to ask Hanz to help me with the blogskin. Since I am on leave, I thought I should try to learn how to do it. I spent about three hours trying to figure out. Its even harder than studying! Hahahaha... I guess I need more practices and learning to understand those codes. Some people can just do it like a piece of cake. Now, I have this new skin up, I am trying to get my sidebar back as you can see, the whole page has been centralised all the way down. I dont know how. Maybe I will figure out later!

Tomorrow is Khatijah's last day at work. Hanz just messaged me if I would be joining them for dinner tonight. Since I am not really in the fit situation, I decided not to go. I want to rest better and study for my coming exam on Monday. I think I may take a bus to KL to visit hubby over the weekend. Gosh. I am having headache now!

I decided to change back to the classic template. I just felt its not right somewhere... Today is 911-day.

On Medical Leave Again

2008-09-10T20:35:00.004+08:00

I woke up this morning feeling feverish and painful at that spot which Prof did an biopsy. I really hate biopsy now. When I read my biopsy report that day, I realised that Prof had cut out about 1 cm of flesh from that most sensitive spot. No wonder it is so painful than the other spot where there was laser treatment given. I really could not tolerate as I have finished my antibiotics and decided to go and seek a doctor's advice if it is infected. I went to my company clinic and told the doctor on duty my whole story and he decided to inspect the area. So there is indeed some infection. He gave me 2 new doses of antibiotics and 2 other types of painkillers, plus 3 days of medical leave. ARGH! I really do not like it. I sympathise my colleagues who are helping me out even though they are already so busy with their work. (Thanks to Kelly for being my silent supporter and my dear supervisor, Melissa for standing by with me all the time! ) I just feel incompetent and wanting to leave my job. At least, the department can employ someone who is not sick like me. ARGH! Although my condition is more stable, the pre-cancer cells are gone. I am still on a tight schedule of following up, in every 3 to 4 weeks time frame. My entitled sick leave has exhausted and I need to use my annual leave to clear my medical leave. I plan to go for a short trip to Sydney to meet my sister-in-law at the end of the year but looking at my leave, I think it is kinda hard! At work, my morale is not getting higher each day. Luckily, I still have my studies and the thoughts of my hubby to look forward to. Now, my focus is to finish up my studies and plan to move over to KL to join hubby. I may join his company in research team. Although I have marketing background, I did not practise it after I finished my studies in that area. I love human services and has been exploring this area in the healthcare industry. But I guess, sometimes we need to make some sacrifices when it is time. Oh well... I am going to miss many people around!

DOA

2008-09-07T15:06:00.003+08:00

What do you suggest when you see this picture? It was actually cuter in real life! It was lying beneath the motobike motionless! I just snapped and immediately it opened its eyes! So it was playing dead and very well! After a while, it sat up and stared into my camera, telling me not to disturb further. Right... When I turned my head to look at it, back to that sleeping pose again! I wish I can read its mind!

What Happened To Mother Nature ?

2008-09-06T20:46:00.007+08:00

Look at this! Do you believe what you see? Do you know what you are looking at? Do you think this picture has been heavily photoshopped? Gosh! What happened to mother nature!!?

" PAINFUL RIGHT ?! "

2008-09-05T22:36:00.002+08:00

That was the first thing Prof said when he saw me entering the room. I could not help it but laughed! Oh gosh, dear Prof! How is it not painful at that particular spot which is one of the most sensitive skin area! He laughed too but he assured me that he did a biopsy again on that particular spot and it is NOW CLEARED!!! Should I be jumping for joy? He checked the whole area again where the surgery was done. I could not bear to look at the screen this time cos' I really dont want to see how ugly it has become! Actually, it was the pain that made me squirm and I really want to get over with and go home! Prof said that I am recovering well. And he said that I should wash the area more often with running tap water, not necessary to use irrigation solution. But I just hate the stinging feeling and the Prof said, " You gotta bear with it, girl! "
Anyway, I will be back to work on Monday! I am not really excited about it. Dont know why... recently I have been thinking of searching for greener grass. But then, I also cannot bear to leave this working place and some colleagues. Oh well... Thats some thoughts! See about it again later!

It Has Been A Week

2008-09-04T19:56:00.003+08:00

Yeah. One week after my surgery. I am still feeling the pain. Going for my first post-op check tomorrow. Feeling cranky and kinda sad. Dont know what it would be like. I dont feel like returning to work at all.

First my home internet has been giving me problems since last week. I cannot connect full time as it keeps going off line. Someone is going to come in tomorrow evening to have a check. I just feel like incompetence without internet. Gosh. Can I go back to primitive life? Bet it is impossible! ARGH!!!

Supposed to have a Gerontology Counselling at SSTI but unable to go due to my medical leave. I need to explain the whole story to company HR and SSTI as well since it is funded by company itself. Trouble. But what to do? Hopefully they can accept my explanation that I AM GOING TO MISS ONLY THIS LESSON TODAY!!! AND I COMPREHEND THAT I MAY NOT GET A CERTIFICATE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT!!! Damn it. IS EVERYTHING LIKE THESE SO IMPORTANT or MY HEALTH? Yeah. Yeah. MONEY! ITS ALL ABOUT MONEY! I was already being nice enough to send an email to SSTI to explain my absence today. Too bad I do not have our HR contact and I did not think of asking any of my colleagues about it. SO ITS GOING TO BE A BIG DEAL!!! Yeah. In case I will be ask to pay the full cost of the course. WTF anyway. I really dont feel like doing this job anymore. I dont really want to help anyone anymore. Anyway, policy makers only make poilicies. WTF. PERIOD.

The Feeling of Being Knocked Out

2008-08-29T01:58:00.013+08:00

28th August was D-day! I arrived at the Day Surgery Centre at 9.30am though my appointment is at 10am. Early is always better in this case and I am glad that I did cos' there were so many people waiting. So I went into the waiting area after I got myself changed to the robes and slippers. I wish I could take some pictures but I left my stuff and handphone all in the locker and handphones are not allowed unless it is for emergency. At about 10.45am, I was told to lie on the trolley bed and was pushed into the surgery. I was put on drip and the anesthesiologist came and asked me a few questions. He decided to put me on general anaesthesia although the doctor mentioned to me that I would be on local anaesthesia. Anyhow, I thought it would be better. So soon, I was put on the mask and some injections and I was totally knocked out before I even realised what had happened. Suddenly, I heard someone shouting at me saying that the operation was over. It was funny when the question I asked was if I snored! As I have sleep apnea, I tend to snore when I am not on CPAP machine. Then I heard someone telling me that I did not. I thought that was a bit weird to pop that question instead of asking about my surgery. But thereafter, I fell into sleep again. When I woke up again, being more alert, I saw the time was already 2.30pm. The first thing I wanted to do was to call Aileen who planned to accompany me home. The doctor came to review me and everything seemed well. I could feel the pain at the site and very uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it was still bearable for me. I was served with milo and some biscuits since I had not eaten the whole time since last night. After contacting Aileen, I spent another two hours dozing while waiting for Aileen and the nurse to review me again.

Flowers from Aileen

So at about 4pm, Aileen helped me to collect the medicine and I was out of the surgery centre only at about 5 pm plus. It was really nice of Aileen to buy me some flowers. And I am very appreciative of her kindness to help me. Here I am typing this, I just woke up from that drowsiness and I could still feel it. The pain is still around. I am going back to sleep again... Really tiring!

Facial at SK-II Boutique

2008-08-24T15:57:00.009+08:00

Hmmm... My virgin facial treatment at SK-II Boutique. Never in my life have I done a facial treatment and all I can say is that it is really an interesting experience. I stumbled the promotion while I was checking out the so-called miracle facial treatment essence on the internet. I have been contemplating to try the essence for donkey months since the product came around. I wanted to buy and try but it is pretty expensive so I held back again. So there is a promotion of $50 discount for its facial treatment if registration is done online and there is also another 10% discount on the products. Well, since I have been tremendous stress from left, right, center, top and bottom, I decided to give myself a treat. Yeah. I should have done it long ago. The therapist is very skilful and friendly so I decided to come back next month to do another one, a different set of facial treatment. I guess I really need to give myself some pampering, so long it works within my budget. And yes! I got myself a small bottle of the essence and they gave me another two miniture samples of cleanser and toner.

I have to make myself look more radiant, not prettier but at least people will not comment that I am deprived of sleep and I look terrible all the time!

By the way, Dad has been discharged on Saturday. It was a long wait for him as my brother had gone to the hospital to fetch. They waited for a long long time for the doctor's clearance and finally, they let my Dad go after his dinner. Yeah. My Dad was grumbling but at least glad to be out of the hospital. He would be going back for outpatient follow-up and monitor his INR since he is on Wafarin. He has some stones in his gallbladder and once his INR is stable, he would be doing the operation in a month's time. He really hoped to get it all done and over with.

Hubby in Suit and Tie

2008-08-22T00:53:00.005+08:00

I like this picture that hubby sent me. Hardly get to see him in suit and tie. I remember that last time I saw him wore one was during one convention a few years ago. Now at his new workplace, he has even more conventions to attend. So dressing up like that is usual for him. Well, we were thinking whether to invest getting a few more sets of suit. Its not very cheap. The last time we saw one nice set was at Marks and Spencers which costs about $700. I think it would be cheaper to make to measure... at JB! Hubby said that its just a waste of money... I think so too... Well, if you are going to rub shoulders with many big-shots, I guess its still inevitable!

Dad is Admitted !!

2008-08-21T09:04:00.005+08:00

Poor Dad. Pain at the abdomen started on Monday and he beared with it. He could not take it anymore and went to see the family doctor. In the night, the pain persisted and my brother sent him to the ED. Stubbornly, he refused to admit when the doctor told him that he required further investigation and admission would be a better choice than outpatient follow-up. So he was discharged home at his own risk. The doctor gave him a checklist and a letter so that he could return to ED if the pain never subside. So things did not go the way Dad expected. He went back to ED and got admitted. The doctor told him that he would be going through some scans and await for Endoscopy if necessary. Dad was really worried and afraid of going through tests and tests. He was a stroke patient some years back and he did not like the way he was being treated in the hospital as he felt like an experimental object. Nevertheless, I explained to him the importance of going through all those investigations for the sake of his well-being. Hmmm... See how it goes. Our family hoped that he would be safe and fine.

Dad at TTSH Ward 11

Brother and I were trying to make him relax by snapping some pics. I only posted one up here. I thought I was being sadistic. But hey, take it easy, wont we? There is nothing much we can do cos' feeling worried and sad cannot solve anything. Just relax and let Him decide.

Another funny thing, the staff actually thought my Dad is Malay cos' they saw me, wearing the tudung! They got confused when they saw my brother and asked how we are related! Really funny for us to try to explain...

Its Aint Over Till Its Over

2008-08-19T22:43:00.005+08:00

Hahahahahaa... I am letting out a sigh of relief thinking about my groupwork facilitation exercise. At last, I am done with the presentation and now I need to spend some time doing up the essay to be submitted together. I was so nervous and anxious about this whole thing that I felt the stress hitting me high time. No one might notice but my heart jumped really fast the past weeks whenever I thought about this groupwork thing. Well, the lecturer told the class that we should not go too deep into psycoeducation or therapeutic groupwork due to our lack of knowledge and skills. So we are allowed to present scenerios like meetings, discussions, cooking demonstrations, etc. I feel that these are not really what the real groupwork do. As far as we understand, groupwork involves facilitation of support groups, psychoeducation, group therapy, etc. But then, we are also doing groupwork but content is just different from what counsellors or social workers would do. Nevertheless, it was a fun presentation. Not that I expected because my partner and I were too nervous and we decided to make the whole thing light-hearted so that we could relax a little. Many of our classmates did not think that we were that nervous and all of us had a great time. I am glad that the lecturer thought we did a great job! YAY!!!

Some snaps to share...

This is Gaik Suan, our lecturer.

Me and Jeannie presented the slides.

Jeannie and I demonstrated salad making.

That is Billy and his orange, sharing with us about goodness of this fruit.

All group members were helping themselves with the fruits and salads.

By the way, our group objective was to promote healthy eating lifestyle. So we presented slides with ways of healthy eating and reasons to why healthy eating habits are important. Hmmm... I think I really got to be serious about what I had shared with my classmates too!!!

Very Stress !!!

2008-08-17T01:07:00.006+08:00

I am very stressed. I feel that I can break down anytime from down. I have so many things in my head and everything is all so important. Starting on Monday, 18/8/08, my working place is having an international audit and this event is going to last for the whole week. I am feeling very uptight becasue I do not know if I will be called upon for interview. I have no idea. I thought I can just cross my fingers but I have another thing that is my group work facilitation exercise on Monday as well and I have no confident about presenting it. I am not sure if I can do it properly with my classmate. I think I maybe able to perform as the sole facilitator with a small group of people not more than five instead with a bigger group and with another co-facilitator. This whole thing is giving me cold feet. I cannot wait till it is all over and I can fully concentrate to do my other assignments. I think I am not meant to be a group facilitator. I cannot lead but I play a better team mate. Too bad, my classmate who is partnering with me does not feel that she is up to it either and she kind of 'leave everything to me' and she only wants to concentrate on her demonstration. Be it, I hope I can do it as it flows and I can learn a valuable lesson from there.

Happy Shopping on National Day

2008-08-09T17:47:00.009+08:00

Today is our National Day. Hubby is back from KL and we went out shopping for some of his working clothes. Both of us are BIG fans of Marks & Spencers. The reason is obvious. We are big in size and their stores carry our sizes. And they have good quality clothes and now, they also offer quite affordable prices. We do not shop there every month. But at least 3 months once... Well, there is also Marks & Spencers at KLCC and the cost is cheaper by a few dollars after convertion. Hubby said that he prefers to shop with me than shop alone. So there we went, to the stores at Paragon and Centrepoint. He got what he wanted. A pair of black twin pleated pants and 5 pieces of long-sleeves shirts. Oh... The stores are having N-day celebrations so there was a 20% discount till 11 Aug 08! Hmmm... I did not get anything for myself so I decided to buy them as gifts for hubby. And I did not pay a lot... for so many tops and a bottom, all costed less than $200! ^_^ I feel that it is really worth it! Too bad, there is nothing really fantastic for me or not, I might have gone beyond budget.

Anyway, it was a good shopping trip. Hubby does not like to shop unless he has things in mind to buy. So we were both glad to have spend time together, shopping! He is going back to KL again the next day... I am going to start missing him soon!

Another Long Time Missing

2008-08-08T21:17:00.004+08:00

I am not focused here. So many things are happening around me that I am giving up prioritising. Since May till now, my medical condition seems quite well. The virus is still there for sure. I just had another check today at the hospital. The professor confirmed that I cannot do away with the laser treatment. I uncrossed my fingers. I believe I have to be tested this way and I accepted Him for giving me a chance to see things in a different manner, through this procedure, through this tough journey that I am going through. Yes, the date has been set on 28th August 2008. I crossed my fingers again.

Hubby has left for KL. It was another tremendous effect on my emotion. Although I seem so fine, I am not really that fine. I HATE THIS FEELING coming back to me again. It happened 10 years ago when he left for Australia to study, for four years. This time he is leaving me again to work, for I-dont-know-how-long! He thinks it is a good opportunity to venture out. Yes, I support him. But emotionally, no one is supporting me. Both of us know that feeling of separation. It is really terrible. Absence can make a heart grows fonder. I think we are so over that phrase now! When he is not around, I miss a person who can cheer me up. When he is not around, I cannot remind him not to smoke so much. When he is not around, he cannot remind me to massage his legs. When he is not around, I would not be able to hear his silly jokes and watch his silly gestures which make my day. Things are just different when he is not around. Lesser chance of communication. Technology is just not real enough. I am just worried that our bond will be losing its stand as he gets busier each day... And in order for me not to think too hard or too much, I make myself even busier all day. I guess its not healthy. But I believe it is not going to be this way for too long. I want to finish my studies so that I can move over to KL then. I only can remember this now. We promised to be strong. We will be able to go through this together, again.

Dear hubby, I will always be here for you. And you will have to wait for me! Me love you as always...

BANG! SHOOT ME IF YOU CAN!

2008-05-12T21:56:00.009+08:00

Hmmm... I was contemplating since Sunday whether I should go to the Emergency as I was still not feeling too good after the procedures last week. The doctor did tell me that if I am anywhere not too close to comfort, I should visit the Emergency. I woke up this morning about 3.25am feeling feverish. I took Panadols and hoping to feel better. I was worried of an infection there. Or I was also worried about the bleeding which has not stopped but lesser. I fell asleep and woke up at every hour to check the time. Dang! I have the alarm set, so what was I so paranoid about? I think I was just worried and feeling irritated. I heard the alarm at 6.30am. I texted my colleagues about my decision not to go to work and to go to the Emergency.

This was the first visit to a women's emergency department which was not crowded at all, not that I expected. I saw the doctor-on-duty quite fast, less than 15 minutes waiting time. He checked the part which was still sore and bleeding but he said that it seemed well. He let me test my urine, to rule out an urine tract infection. He gave me some more antibiotics. I think eating all these medication is making me even more sick but what to do? I feel like going back to work but those irritations do not make me feel any better. I cannot concentrate. I think I wont be able to fully concentrate till I am done and over with this treatment and the surgery! Quite stressful if that is the feeling. I am lost sometimes. Trying to accept my condition. And trying to give myself the hope and encouragement, looking at my loved ones around me. This is really unfortunate. Series and series of events that happened and happening in my life. I think that Almighty thinks I am up for the challenges that He just keeps throwing them at me. The good, the bad and the ugly. So should I be complaining? I should not be whining, should I? But He created me as a human being where flesh and blood are made. So now what again?

I think I am feeling bad about this whole situation regarding my job and studies. I even had a bad dream this afternoon when I woke up, I saw the time at 4pm and I was perspiring. I dreamt that I was talking to another colleague and then bad news broke to me that I have been asked to leave my work due to frequent absences! I wanted to cry! I took a cold shower and felt a little depressed sitting on the toilet seat, thinking about my future. What have I become?! Dang again!
Another depressing episode, I missed another lesson today. Feeling abit groggy. I try to read my notes and journals. Starting to type something for my assignment due next week. And I drifted off, now typing this instead. I am going to rest for another day. Hope that I can be back at work on Wednesday. I know, my colleagues would all be questioning me... So what I am going to say? Viruses ATTACKED!!! Thats it!

SIGH. I feel so fucked up! FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK!

Thanks Almighty for keeping me alive!

All Alone

2008-05-10T11:41:00.004+08:00

I am all alone at home. Mother-in-law and hubby have gone to Malaysia and will return the next day. I was not very approving for hubby to go as he has been coughing very badly. It sounds like he is having some infection but I just do not understand why that he does not want to see a doctor and simply rely on the cough medication which he bought over the counter. I hate the sound of cough and I crossed my fingers that I will not get it from him. He was then unhappy about me not following him along. Of course I will not want to because I am still recovering from that pain. But to him, it will be fine to just sit in the car and travelling should not make it more worse. I hate that when I tried to reason with him and he will give me craps. And I do not understand and I still do not know the purpose of going to Malaysia this time. What is wrong with the frequent visits to Malaysia? Oh no... If mother-in-law misses her house so much, she should just stay there for good! I am getting tired. I want my flat back! I think that will be another episode! And good news, my brother-in-law's wife is now 2 months' pregnant so this will be another anticipation!

Hmmm... I feel like eating Nasi Lemak with Otah today...

Free My Tresses

2008-05-09T09:56:00.004+08:00

As I have been given several days of medical leave, I cannot go anywhere but I decided to go the neighbourhood salon to cut off my tresses. Yeah. My hair was very long that it almost touched the back of my waist. I was thinking that if I am going for my surgery, short hair will be much more easier to manage. So there I went, I chopped off my tresses!!!

Other than cutting off my tresses, I also intend to read up my journals for the school assignments and try to do one although the due date is in two weeks' time. I am in pain now but it is still bearable. So I hope I can finish at least one of the two assignments before due.

Hmmm ... I feel like eating Sushi today ...

Fighting Viruses

2008-05-08T23:55:00.013+08:00

I do not want to go mentally crazy but this can be quite a torture. Dealing with some illness is not easy for an individual especially when pain is involved and emotions can be abstract. Why do I say that emotions can be abstract? I can lose myself into the abyss of emotions and trying to swim out of it but do not know which directions to go. But I do take it quite well in the sense that I can still function normally.

When my body was being attacked by some viruses which can be cancerous, I was not quite in shock to hear the news at the first place. I have been expecting this, not that I am pessimistic about my own health but I have a history of cancer illnesses from my late mum's family. So here I am, dealing with some cancer causing viruses at my vulva and cervix, I need to deal with them with initial pain before these viruses turned nasty and started dealing with me. The thing about these viruses are, they come in hundred and one kinds that can stay or go as they wish. Stubborn ones like what I have just refused to fight with my body and stay put, so I need to make them leave or they will start building up nests and become networks that go to other parts of my body. These crab-like things can multiple very fast if you let them grow.

I need some strength. I am glad that my bosses and colleagues are kind enough to excuse me from work when I need to go for my treatment. But I am not too sure if my school is generous enough for me to attend less than the required 80% of the class which falls on every Wednesday as I may feel too painful to move around after I am done with the procedure, I need to skip the lesson. Well, my doctor only comes in on Wednesday, so I have no other days to choose. Anyway, I need to check with them again. My hubby seems supportive. He is always cheering me but I am not so sad actually. Probably that is just the way he does to show support. Words of emotion will make him cry like a baby. My own family is also taking my condition pretty well. Whatever comes along, we deal with it together.

I cry when I want to cry. I laugh when I want to laugh. How much worse can I be? I guess this is one bravest part of me that I have never seen. And I hope I can still be as brave as now when it is time for surgery. Just gotta hang on there, right!? ... Hmmm ... I miss Granny ...
And you can see, that was just a funny shot my hubby took with me in the train after we were going home from a procedure.
I did not look quite happy with his silly enthics.

Dad is 68

2008-04-17T23:28:00.003+08:00

Celebrated Dad's birthday on Sunday. His birthday is on 15th April. He is now 68. Two years to go, he will be 70. It was just a simple celebration. Bought the all-time favourite fruit cake and some chicken pies. Having my sister over with her two kids made the whole thing fun and funny. Dad is always the quiet one. The person missing was my brother who had to work that day. This is also the first birthday that Dad celebrated without Granny around. I still miss her a lot. ( Sometimes I wonder if I am in a state of unconsciousness whenever I thought of Granny. ) Anyway, that feeling put aside. I love my dad, my sister, my brother, my nephew and niece. And also my hubby!

Some Good Things Come To An End

2008-03-14T21:42:00.007+08:00

It was farewell time to Irene. She was my mentor, my good colleague and a crazy friend. She has been around in the department for almost five years. And we were talking about it that day if she did not tender her resignation, she probably will be getting her long-service award together with me! But things just did not go the way it should be. Things just happened like yesterday and now we thought it was like a moment ago. Irene is going to the States, as far as Arizona with her husband and two kids for at least two years due to her husband re-location of his job. I wish I can exchange places with her, to get to move away and experience living another country. But I think nothing beats your own country and home. Well, unless the person is so determined that nothing from his motherland can make him stay. There might be a time when she returns and join our team of department again. I do not know if I would still be around. Irene, if you plan to come back and join the department, I may wait for you... Hahahahhah... We will see then if it is a joke! *BIGBIGHUGSTOYOU*

Sakamoto Ryuichi - Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence (Live)

2008-02-24T11:21:00.001+08:00

Leap Of Love ... Do You Have The Faith?

2008-02-24T11:15:00.003+08:00

When I watched the trailer on the TV, I thought that I must watch the film. Yes. I have a weakness for local production stories, except anything by Mr Jack Neo because I cannot detact that humor he was trying to create except that movie, MONEY NOT ENOUGH. I think that was good and I think in was his production, he did not really 'go overboard' to create an awareness among Singaporeans about how important money is and how money can change a person's outlook of life.

Anyway, I watched the film, adapted by Ms Catherine Lim's infamous books, The Leap Of Love which the film is called THE LEAP YEARS. I found it a little familiar when I watched the show, I should have known better because I have that book which I stored in a box. I read it some time back but I just could not recall. But you know what, the first thing that attracted me to the story was not the story itself, the TV trailer played a fantastic piece of score by a famous Japanese musician, Sakamoto Ryuichi. The piece is called: Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence. I think many of you will know this piece of music when you hear it as I believe that it has been used in some other films before. So I should say, a good piece of music does great deal to a film. It could bring out the height of a story and create a rush in our emotion. And a perfect combination will just blow you away. Well, at least it does for me.

I went for a Japanese cruisine after the film with my girlfriend. It has been a long time since I ate ramen. So we tried at RAMEN TEN, a halal Japanese restuarant. Not bad to say, but the food is a little salty for my taste. I had Oyaku Chicken Ramen while my girlfriend had the spicy one that was really hot but not oily. I find that Japanese spicy food are not very oily, not like our local way of cooking curry stuff.

The next show I want to watch is THE KITE RUNNER. I think it will be still on till next week. I hope I can find time today to watch it or maybe on Tuesday evening. I will be back to update soon.

A Procrastinated Post

2008-02-12T23:56:00.000+08:00

Its already February 2008. I have not been updating my blog here and I always feel that I want to. So many events for the past couple of months. Ever since I started studying, life is a little different. Can you imagine that I have not been in touch with books and assignments for more than ten years? And now, Im slogging my ass off, trying to balance, work life, study life, family life and finding time for leisures. Books, I am talking about text books! And there is going to be examinations. I was freaking out when I read through the unit guide of my study. Before the lesson started, I already have four assignments on hand to be due within three months. Well, Im wondering if that is bad or what?!

I just handed in my first assignment yesterday. Now I am starting the second one which is due next week! I am still working on which theorist should I comment about. I like Freud. The majority of the class is writing on Vygotsky. I have to decide soon. Am I smart enough to write up 2 theorists then?! Not a waste of time if I have the time. Afterall it is good learning and that can be pretty arguementative because their theories are totally conflicting. Readers who are wondering what I am talking about, well, they were psychologists and I am supposed to choose one of a few theorists that we studied to comment and argue base on our current context.

Anyway, I have joined the inpatient team about three weeks. Things seem pretty alright for now. The workload is slowly increasing. I guess my other colleagues are giving me time to adjust and to understand the workflow of inpatient work. I feel that it may not be as hectic as working with the outpatient team, but seeing inpatient cases can be more intensive and mind boggling 'cos I am afriad of ruling out the right things and saying the wrong things. I guess I have to set myself a guide of working out the flow smoothly. How political can it be? I have no idea. I am careful not to step on anyone's toes. People skills are just as important. But I think when seeing and attending those sick patients in the wards, we really need a lot of empathy and not to be judgemental. And the worst of all, giving solutions. I know, they are just waiting for it. Or they are finding alternatives.

I want to go on endlessly. But I have to find some sleep. I have been told that I was talking in my sleep last night, telling someone that I will go and see later... something like that... Is that implying something? I am tired now. I still have not update my journal. Those entries are part of my assignments. I will continue tomorrow.

Another One That I Will Miss

2007-12-29T15:03:00.000+08:00

My-ex boss, Mrs Palakrishnan

Yesterday was my boss's farewell party. Hmmm... Now should be ex-boss. I could not make it there as I have some family matters to attend. I thought I would never see her again since her last day at work was 27th Dec 07. Luckily she came back to the office in the evening and I talked to her for a short while. She was busy and many of my colleagues would love to get her attention as well. I asked for a tight hug and it was granted. She always gives me a motherly feeling and the way she speaks is so gentle. The first hug she gave me was at Granny's wake. I broke down immediately. This time I controlled my tears 'cos I also did not want to ruin her make-up as I saw her eyes were already getting teary. Well, Im sure she had loads of tears flowing that evening. I wish her all the best and be in pink of health in years to come. I will miss you, Mrs Palakrishnan.

The One That I Miss

2007-12-16T01:02:00.000+08:00

DO YOU KNOW WHO?

Its my beloved granny who passed on in Oct 07. It should be on 28 Oct 2007, 1.20pm to be exact, at Tan Tock Seng Hospital in the ICU ward. She died of a massive heart attack due to old age. She was 86 years old.

The last time I saw her alive and kicking was a week before she passed away. I was playing a fool with her as she was demented. I remembered I even trimmed her finger nails for her. She would always remind not to trim too short for her pinky nails 'cos it would symbolise good wealth if the nail is long. She behaved just like a child around me. And she could get along with children very well like my nephew and niece as well as adults who are funny and clowny like my hubby. She hated confinement. She hated when she was bored. That would be the time she started to get grumpy and scolding people for no reasons. That was why I sent her to SWAMI Dementia Day Centre about twice to thrice a week. She was happy there and she hoped she could stay there. Of course I could not afford to do that!

I know she died a happy woman. She never groaned while she was in the bed. She was already in a state of coma when the doctors told my family to prepare for the worst which could be anytime. There was no point of her to go under the knife to save her as the doctors said that it would definitely cost her life immediately. It would be better to keep the body intact. And let her go peacefully. I broke down when I went into the Operating Theatre. I saw her face with the respiratory tube insert into her mouth to help her to breathe. She was petite and her small body curled up sideway as she was shivering 'cos the theatre was so cold. I just could not help not stopping my tears from coming down. I knew that I would be losing her anytime soon.

My family rushed to and from the hospital a couple of times within 24 hours. We thought that her condition was stablised but it did not seemed so. So while my aunt and sister were there, she passed away. My dad, brother, his girlfriend, hubby and I were on the way after the nurse called us and informed that she really would not be able to make it that last time. When we got there, she was already gone and we were a few minutes late. I weeped. All of us weeped. I informed some relatives and my colleagues. I was too tired to relate more 'cos I had more important things to settle. And Im still grateful to my colleague, Tzer Wee who helped to recommend a very nice funeral services provider.

Granny's Wake

Me at Granny's Wake

Funeral Ritual for Granny

It was simple and a funeral that was within my family's budget. Afterall how grand do we have to make it to be for a funeral? We should show our concern, love and respect when one is alive, not when the person is dead. What is the point of trying to show off when the most important thing for the dead is to say prayers. And this should be continue even after the funeral, everyday, everytime and not just for an occasion.

Oh Granny, I really miss you very much. I am still grieving although I have to be strong. And I really want you to be happy!

A Long Time And A Motivating Post !!!

2007-12-15T15:53:00.000+08:00

I almost forgot about this blog. No one bugs me to update. I guess my friends have given up on me in a way 'cos they know Im have been super-duper busy. Whenever I read my friends' blog in blogspot, I know I have this here which I have been procastinating to update. Dont ask me why. I have so many reasons to tell you. Not excuses! They are reasons! See the difference!

Firstly, I am happy to have get my studies started. Although it was just a simple certification for basic counselling, I am glad to have completed it at 3 months' time. And leading to the next will be my diploma in counselling. That will be my year 2008 main mission, or rather resolution. I have to find myself some inspiration and motivation to complete this course. I did not ask my company to sponsor me this time. I am not sure if I can get it anyway and I do not want to waste my time waiting for company's decision. I have no time to wait as the closing date for January 2008 intake was in October 2007. It is a year diploma course which then lead to a degree. Seriously I will want to have my paperchase done and get over with. And it is true that with a good and higher qualification, at some point of your life, it is an essential part to make certain decision. Although we say that experience proves to be even better, how about experiences that come together with papers? It is more secure. Definitely. So I need to find motivational people to hang out with! Hahahhahah... I know there are many of them in my company. And since a few of my classmates are also taking up the diploma course, they are even happier to have study buddies, with someone we are familiar, things can work out better! And keep ourselves intact and MOTIVATED !!!

Anyway, I will try, alright, to keep this blog update. There are still many things to be mentioned. Certain part of my life changed. With someone gone forever, and I missed her like crazy. Right, grieving is a matter of time to take to slowly be resolved. I will tell more in the next blog. Maybe later!

Lower Pierce Walk

2007-06-24T13:00:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time since we walk that walk at the Lower Pierce Reservoir. Such nice traqualilty and the chippings of the early birds. We had a badminton game earlier and decided to go for a stroll at the reservoir to catch some sunshine.

Me and Hubby !

I have not got up so early on a Sunday morning for a long time. I should be sleeping early everyday. No matter its on a working weekday or an weekend. Enough sleep is important to our brain cells and also healthy to our skin. And getting enough sunshine, will do good too! Its Vitamin C! Hmmm... Im feeling really great today. Hardly do I get such feeling on a Sunday. I think its a good strategy to rise early and do a good workout to sweat. Its about 1pm now. Time to go visit Daddy and Granny. Im learning to live healthily!

Out Of My Comfort Zone

2007-06-23T00:08:00.000+08:00

I was shocked.

I was dumbfolded.

I could not believed what I had read from the email that boss had sent.
I thought boss make a mistake typing the wrong name! One of my best colleagues was leaving. I wanted to cry. I wanted to give him a punch. I wanted to give him a hug. I thought I am going to lose a friend. That was really sad. Sad and I refused to buy him a farewell gift.

We had a department farewell tea party for him. He could not bear to leave us but yet he had chosen to do it. Its his choice. Its his career path. He should know what he is happy with and good at. I just hope he would have a more fulfilled career.

I need time to get used to his absence.

The Revenge Of A Theatre Lover I

2007-05-04T21:41:00.000+08:00

I have been spending quite a lot lately on theatre works and musical plays. Going to the movies put aside. Im not so keen unless its about some non-mainstream films. Probably international productions from Asia, Middle East or Europe. Kind of tired with Hollywood or Bollywood.

I missed the International Film Festival this year. Too caught up with many things running and timing was not very good. A colleague told me that most of the tickets were selling well and some sold out. I realise local film productions are not doing that bad. On local channel, The Art Central, there has been a release of local films and short stories. One recent one titled "Do Not Disturb".

Directed by Kelvin Tong, remembering the same director of horro flick, "The Maid". Created by our local infamous actress and prolific producer, Tan Kheng Hua. Eight stories comprising eight different couples of what they would be doing behind the closed door of a budget love hotel. Sounds sleazy but it is really not. And Im really surprised that how the authority allowed this to pass. Sadly, another local film, "Solo", failed by three cuts and therefore needed to be withdrawn from the International Film Festival showcase. I believe that it has something to do with homosexuality and how it is still a social stigma. That would definitely be another episode to reprise.

Check out:
http://www.artscentral.sg/index.htm
http://www.artscentral.sg/thismonth/Do%20Not%20Disturb/index.htm

More And More ... Pinkeye Attacks !!!

2007-05-03T17:40:00.000+08:00

Since I have contacted the Pinkeye, also known as Conjuctivitis, I have been given three days medical leaves to rest at home. Not allowed to go out as advised by the doctor, the best is stay indoor to rest or do some indoor activites, at home. What choice do I get? I hope my colleagues would not be cursing me under their nose. Its already quite sad to be shortage of people around in the office and now my absence, not very motivating isnt it?

There are so many kinds of bacteria in the air and being unlucky when one got struck by it and the bacteria happily landed on your eye. Itchiness, irritation and pricky, suddenly the eye turned red and you can see a bloodshot one. Horrifying. Misery.

My Miserable Look !!!

I guess it all happened when I was at CDC (Communicable Disease Centre) last Saturday for a workshop on Personality Disorders. I spent the whole day there and nothing much to my eye but only it became teary at almost the end of the session. Its quite normal for my case when I stared at an object for too long. And I was not day-dreaming alright! Simply too engrossed with the interesting topics that the therapist had mentioned.

Sunday past with a little irritation which I appiled some eye lotion. And came Monday, it became more obvious and I had to see my company doctor after work. Since the next day was Labour Day, no work, the doctor did not give me any medical leave. Wednesday, no improvement at all. I went back to the company doctor again and he said that I needed about two weeks to recover! Oh Gosh! I started barginning and was ticked off. He said that unless I could guarantee that none of my colleagues would come in and see him for the same condition, as I would be the culprit! So I was given a three-day rest and I am here, trying to update my blog with all events that happened or going to be ... !!!

A Trip To Somewhere

2007-05-03T16:44:00.000+08:00

The Last Trip Was In April 2007 !!! ... Maybe One More Coming Soon ...

Honestly, I do not care who is reading this but I do not enjoy trips to Malacca anymore. Maybe my mother-in-law could be reading this, or any members of in-laws. Its too monotonous. A pity not that I could not drive or I would be the one appointed to the task! A pity yes that my hubby has to do the job since he is the only person around in the household now that is able to. So many of my friends have been urging me to take up driving. And new friends were taken aback when I said that I could not drive at all and never in my life ever started a car engine!

Oh well, I love road trips. Be it to anywhere. I do not mind as long as I am not the one who drive. Thats the only reason left that I would tag along to Malacca. So whats wrong with it? Im tired of dramas and impatience await. There is always a cause of a trip there. I dont mind if a trip is going to be relaxing and maybe to meet some friends or happy relatives. For me, its a no-friends trip and always unhappy relatives to face. I have to pretend that nothing happened but all are too obvious not to hide. Being a daughter-in-law, I shared my views on certain matters. But again, who am I here to ground those rules.

On a positive note, I tried to make the trip fun. I enjoyed all the food available. Watched the movies I had rented. Took as many pictures as I love myself to be. Hey, Im not being narcissistic alright! Needed to turn a boring trip funny. Laughed at myself and hubby. But just hope hubby will understand. I try to too. We need emotional support whenever concerns of such arise!

I believe, we still have many trips like this to go ... ... ...

No Time! No Time!

2007-05-02T21:19:00.000+08:00

So this is what happened. After so many months of absence, and my friends' constant nagging of when I would be updating my blog, I finally tried. Oh please, Im not being forced to do it, I realised too that its time for an update.

What has been going on with my life, my daily routine?

First of all, my family. My Filipina maid has decided to call it quits this time. After she had come back from her short holidays, she told me that she decided to change her industry of work. She is trained in the F&B industry back home and would love to explore more than just being a domestic worker. Also, taking care of my granny can be quiet stressful as she is demented. So I was kind of worrying for a few months prior to her departure. Also through a kind friend, she is actually my mother-in-law's maid, who introduced another maid to me, she is from Indonesia. I had bad experience with Indonesian maids. Well, I met up with her and brought her to meet my granny who seemed to like her very much. So I decided to take a risk. Furthermore, she had worked in Hong Kong for a couple of years before coming to Singapore, so she could speak a bit of dialects and Mandarin, most importantly, she could communicate with my granny! So about two weeks ago, she joined my family.

Dad's 67th Birthday Cake !!!

We also celebrated my Dad's 67th birthday, on 16 April. It did not occurred to me that my Dad is already that old! He has been an active person and very independent. Although he suffered two strokes before, Im grateful that he has been able to get back to his feet and started to walk. His only wish is to grow old gracefully without being a burden to any famliy members. But I think his memory maybe failing him sooner. He is getting forgetful these days and I pray that he would not become like my granny.

Apart from these two significance events that happened, all have been peaceful and everyday passes like no one ever noticed. I believed that there might be changes soon in the household. I have a feeling that my brother maybe getting married soon. This would be another episode to talk about.

Happy Social Workers' Day

2007-01-19T22:51:00.000+08:00

The first and latest. Social Workers' Day.

We have all sort of days to remember by.
Teacher's day, Bosses' Day, Secretary's Day, Nurses' Day, etc.
And now, we have our Social Workers' Day.

A day to remember the tribute of these people to our society and the hard work they had put in and hearts they had touched. The patience and endurance they went throught with all their clients and lives they had helped to make it better.

What can I say to these people who would go an extra mile to lend a helping hand.

Cheers and more cheers.

A Late Happy New Year

2007-01-18T22:26:00.000+08:00

How a Happy New Year.

Not so happy for me. So many things going on for the start. I just do not wish to list them all out. Or I may sound like a complaining queen, which Im not. Anyway, its already mid of Jan 2007, and there are a few unsettled events in my life which need some sorting out. Mainly family affairs and maybe some work related. Career progressing. I try not to give myself any pressure. Let my mind do whatever I am comfortable with. So hopefully, I can still be in my comfort zone for awhile.

Due to all unforeseen circumstances, my blood pressure hit an high note a few days ago. After calming down a little, Im hit with this bug. Sneezing and blowing nose all the way. Not very impressive, to have taken two days of medical leave in one week. Dang!

What can I do? Rest more, drink more water, eat more fruits and vegs. Hear all. Done that. Still cannot fight against the bugs when they decided to invade your immune system. I need more exercises.

I need to rest... in peace. Cheers.

Happy Art Searching

2006-12-03T23:24:00.000+08:00

While having that artyfart feeling lately, I wanna draw something. Went over to Dad's place and ransacked the storeroom to look for all my drawing materials. I also found some of my artwork which I had done during my days in the art college. Feeling very happy looking at them, I also done up one waterpaint on still life. Not that good but I like the colour. Shades of black and grey which are my favourite. This is waterpaint on cotton fiber sheet.

Lost My Voice

2006-11-21T10:53:00.000+08:00

The trend has been going on at the workplace. People are losing their voices, in company with a sore throat. I was just waiting for my turn to get it. Flu and sore throat. These are the two that would hit me often when somebody close to me have it. So since I had taken the flu jab, its not so bad. For the sore throat, I just cannot control it. The bacteriea and the viruses in the air. Human body are getting weaker these days.

I had a slight sore throat on Sunday, followed by a slight fever in the evening. Then I ran out of Lorzenges. But I took the Panadol. Monday morning, I woke up with a sore throat, worsened. I dragged myself to work, thinking that I would feel better once I started my body engine going. Alas, I felt groggy when I reached there, so I headed to the clinic straight. I was already having fever. Damned. I was given one day medical leave, so I headed home to rest.

I did not sleep well last night. Turning and tossing and my throat was burning. It did not get better. I could not swallow or speak properly. I drank lots of water and sucked on the lorzenges. It did not helped any better. This morning, I went to my family physician. She gave me the antibiotics. Hopefully I would be better soon. Im feeling drowsy now. And Im going to sleep again.

CONFESSIONAL MEMOIR

2006-10-30T10:33:00.000+08:00

Started on a new book, RUNNING WITH SCISSORS by AUGUSTEN BURROUGHS. It is a true story of a boy whose mother gave him away to be raised by her psychiatrist. The doctor himself has a bizarre family and a neighbour who is a pedophile. His childhood was completed with challenging events that brought him through the search of his own identity and sexuality. So far, I find the book has a degree of dark humour. The story starts with the title of the first chapter, SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT, with the first line, MY MOTHER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE BATHROOM MIRROR SMELLING POLISHED AND READY... Read between lines for more comprehension. Whenever I read the book, somehow, my mind always flickers with images and similarities of people around me who might have been through this. I let my imagination runs wild. The writer has also other works and the latest is POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS. Chronologically, the writings evolve around his earlier books like DRY and MAGICAL THINKING until this.

Retreat Time

2006-10-28T20:48:00.000+08:00

Many people would think that a retreat is boring. On the contrary, I just feel that its fun! Don't shoot me! We work like hell and so a retreat is a time that we share our experiences, happiness or unhappiness, ideas and wishes. Talk about team building and group work, I think my colleagues are a whole bunch who put effort to it and it shows that even we might be unhappy in some ways, we are also grateful in certain perspectives.

Human relationships are so important. A good listening ear and a supportive shoulder to lean on at times. Isn't it a way to make things work somehow? A few may not be able to tolerate in a certain degree. That's it! One would shout. Then think again, opportunities are all out there. If one way cannot be right, make that way to your advantage then. Twist and turn. Crash and burn. Alrighty, what am I saying here...

Anyways, I did not get to enjoy the early session of games. Yeah. Watersports and something adventurous. When was the last time I did that... Oh yeah... The paintball game! That was fun! I was really looking forward to some water games, the trust fall and some rock climbing... Too bad I was assigned to man the fort, so I joined my colleagues in the afternoon for lunch and followed by the main session of the retreat. We had skits and role-plays. Trying to put our concerns and some ideas across to our bosses. Hopefully to get some results in future.

Overall, it was fun. People are smart and sensitive. We are afterall, a whole bunch of lovely creatures who do care what you have got and what you would give! Treats or Tricks! What am I babbling again... Look forward to next year retreat. Am I the only person who enjoys this? Roll your eyes please!

Celebration Rantings !!!

2006-10-23T23:20:00.000+08:00

The Blinking Lights

Chicken Rendang, Sambal Goreng and Serunding

Handmade Ketupat

Assorted handmade cookies

It has been a busy day. Although I only worked half-day and went back early, I helped out my mum-in-law and the maid to prepare the ingredients to cook the food for Hari Raya Puasa. Well, we managed to finish cooking by 11pm. Not too bad. The cookies were done at a much earlier date and they look so nice.

The house is also decorated with the blinking lights. Hub and I went to the bazaar at Geylang and bought those lights for $25. The place was so overwhelming. You got to be there to experience the crowds and the stuffs they sell. One visit for me is enough. Crowded places like this is not my cup of tea. I would not go unless Im there to buy something. Luckily I got the lights or else...

Honestly, I just want to get over and done with it. I do not know if there will be a lot of people visiting. Im not anti-social. My barrier is the language as I cannot speak proper Malay. Its very sad to say. Im really afraid that those relatives or friends start the conversation in Malay and Im always stuck with how to answer them. So for me, its better not to speak if you are not sure or do not understand much. But then, people may think Im unfriendly. So most of the time, I feel like Im smiling like an idiot. Anyways, enough of ranting... seems like going out of the topic here.

I miss my late father-in-law. Its going to be one year since the day he passed on. Im expecting sad moment when we are going to ask for forgiveness from my mum-in-law the next morning. I will never forget his wise and always right advice. A great man to remember. And I always respect him in my heart. What can I do... just got to go through it every year.

Miss my sister-in-law too. As she is expecting and experiencing morning sickness, Im just wondering how she is coping at Australia everyday. Well, she has a big guy to stand by her and make sure he takes care of her well. So, sis, if you are reading this, Im looking forward to meet you again, with your baby and big guy...

ALMOST

2006-10-22T15:26:00.000+08:00

The fasting month is coming to an end. Tomorrow will be the last day of fasting. So far, I missed two days of fast because I was having terrible migraines in mid-day and I just gotta pop that pill. Hopefully, I can still hold on till the last day of Ramadhan. I need to remember to 'pay back' the two days that I have missed. Being a Chinese Muslim, Im not into the mood of what the Malay Muslims are here, celebrating the new month of Shawal. Many people, especially the non-muslims think that it is a new year celebration. Not true, the new Islamic year is not Shawal but Muharram. So people celebrate the first of Shawal because it signifies the break of fasting month, Ramadhan. Although its been six years, Im still not used to the Malay cultures. Im not really interested, honestly. But what other choices do I have since my husband is a Malay Muslim and I have to learn the ropes from my mother-in-law. Well, she has been very patient and nice to me. But I can feel that she seems to worry about me too. Most of the time, I will go with the flow, like monkey sees, monkey does. And I do asked whats and whys. The rationale cannot seems to etch onto my head. I would like to visit the Chinese Muslims in China. I know there are plenty of them there. I have watched the documentaries about them and still prefer the Chinese Muslim cultures. They are way too simple and easy to follow. Anyway, Im not complaining. Be it Chinese, Malay, Indian or any other races of Muslims, we have only one thing in common which is our love and faith in Islam. Other things are just minor. Our strength and to uphold the rights and stands of all Muslim beliefs should be taken. And most of all, I want to tell the world that we are not even close to terrorism.

Read About It !!!

2006-10-18T21:51:00.000+08:00

My sister-in-law is pregnant! Oh yeah! Im happy for her and my mother-in-law too because she is now promoted to granny status. Maybe I should not be too overwhelmed by this piece of news. The old folks always say that its not good to make big announcement when a woman is at the early stage of pregnancy. I do not know how it really works. Most of my friends who were pregnant before, they did wait till they were at their third or forth month to announce to friends and relatives. Superstitious? Anyway, she is now far away from us, staying in Australia. So I just pray that she could cope well with her pregnancy. I would pity her in terms of food craving, my poor sis might not be able to get what she wants over at Australia. So my mother-in-law just send her a big box of dried food, spicies, whatever she asked for that and hopefully the stuff could pass through the custom. Well, Australia is very strict about sending or bringing food into the country. I would just wait for more news to come. And pray to God that she will be in good spirit and health!

The Memory Keeper's Daughter

2006-10-13T19:50:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile since I updated. I have been busy reading. Frequent the library very often nowsaday. Suddenly I realised that there are so many good books lying around. Im reading one book now titled, THE MEMORY KEEPER'S DAUGHTER by KIM EDWARDS.

The stunning story happened in 1964, a cold winter night. A doctor delivered his pair of twins. His first born boy was perfectly healthy, but what struck him is his second born daughter which has Down's Syndrome. He made one decision that could change and haunt all their lives forever. He told his nurse to bring the baby away to an institution. Unexpectedly, she did not but moved away to another town to raise the child as her own.

Theres a secret of the doctor's childhood that explained his split-second decision of sending his daughter away. The painful memories of the past and the difficult circumstances of the present brought him to a stage which he was almost destroyed. Tormented and seeking solace through the lens of his camera of how he sees life would be.

A powerful combination of love and regret, truth and lies, and their redemptions. A story that is heart-breaking and heart-healing at the same time. Well, read it if you can. So Im going back to the last pages of the book. And hopefully I can start another title soon.

Healing Conversation

2006-09-27T22:20:00.000+08:00

I was browsing with Hanzy at the bookshop today during lunchtime when I came across one book, "HEALING CONVERSATION". It is not just about what to say when you do not know what to say. I believe the content will be very interesting. As a matter of fact, it should offer great comfort for those who are dealing with or going through periods of sadness, loss, pain or anger. Its just like a first aid kit for times when words are hard to come by. When you need to speak with someone who is going through moments when things gone wrong or amiss and when matters of heart is concerned.

I could not wait till after office hour. Nope, Im not going to buy that book yet. I had done a search on the library website and found that the book is available at the library near my place. So I went to the library after work and am so glad that I managed to get it!

I will buy the book if its really helpful. I think it will be. For my jobscope, I meet people who are distressed everyday. Talking to these people need lots of patience and understanding because they are seeking assistance and advices. They are mostly stuck in their realm of uncertainties and desperations. It can be mentally exhausting everyday. I need detachment. I want to learn how to support others without fixing, rescuing or judging.

The Singapore Idol Moment

2006-09-25T21:18:00.000+08:00

I was not into this initially. I did not even know who is who. Until the last 4 contestants were left, then I started to listen to their voices and songs. Pretty impressive I can say, my opinion. I like Paul Twohill. And was abit sad that he was voted out. I always prefer the male vocal compare to the female. I do not know why. Especially those husky voices, like Jonathan's. Hady is good that I feel that its OK that he is not going to win the Singapore Idol title. He has the performer's instinct born in him. So natural. Jonathan seems less expose, in my opinion. But his husky, unique voice won all over. While I am waiting for the results to announce... Thats it!

Hady Mirza is the winner of the Singapore Idol II... !!!

Check out this link http://www.singaporeidol.com

I will not forget to look for the Mee Rebus/Soto and Satay stall uncle very very soon... To send congrats to him that his son has made it to the title and Im going to ask him to belanja me satay!

A Slack Day

2006-09-23T18:51:00.000+08:00

Oh Yeah. I spent the whole day sleeping. Its like not having to get my sleep for such a long time. Its not norm for me to sleep like that unless Im sick. Im just too tired. I thought of going back to office to clear some work but in my dream. You can see, I even dreamt about work. Isnt this horrible?!?

I was supposed to go out with Hanzy. To get our eyebrows trimmed at Little Indian, using the traditional threading method. Hanzy said that it was not very painful and the outcome has been good. I noticed that but I have not let anyone trimmed my brows before. I do it myself all the time. So as Im freakingly slack today, since last night after I came from the play, I was thinking not going to do it. Hanzy was tired too but unsure if he went on his own at the end. Melissa called me in the afternoon to ask me out. We had planned before to go to Marks and Spencers for shopping. I again turned her down. Oh my... what a day like that. Felt wasted and unaccomplished.

I just ordered KFC via phonecall. I needed to wait for about an hour for the delivery. Hmmm. Tummy groaning. Hungry and wasted.

...happenings!

2006-09-21T23:19:00.000+08:00

Alright. So we cannot eat bread anymore because it contains too much preservatives. So what are we supposed to do? A friend told me to get the breadmaking machine. How many chances do I have to make my own bread, seriously! Oh Gosh! And another problem with SK II skincare products. Scientists and researchers claimed that their products contained some chemicals that are very harmful to our body. So is it a scare or for real? Im wondering how our local counterparts are responding. I must go to town and check out those SK II beauty counters. Recently I was just contemplating whether to try out their products. Hmmm. Thank God that I manage to save those money.

Anyway, Im looking forward to tomorrow night. Im going with Melissa and Verena to watch a play called FUNDAMENTALLY HAPPY. Its about Eric, a 30-year old social worker who returned to his childhood neighbourhood, visited the home of his old neighbour, Habiba, where the couple was still living there, older and with children. As Eric and his old neighbour Habiba reminisced about old days, a shocking secret was revealed that would forever change their lives.

FUNDAMENTALLY HAPPY takes an unflinching look at the personal and emotional issues surrounding paedophilia, without judgement or blame. Trusted neighbour or a family friend are often people we would entrust our children to without much of a second thought. As the play traces the emotional and personal issues that arised after a secret was revealed, the implications for a wife and a mother who was also a friend of the perceived 'victim', started to surface. Questions about trust, integrity and honesty that exists in a friendship, explores issues such as memory, justification, consent and possible legal implications of paedophilia.

So we will be watching the play at 8pm next night, probably get some dinner near our workplace before that. Also hopefully that I can clear some work before I go off. Yeah. Always about work. What can I say... ...

N DEY SAY

2006-09-04T21:28:00.000+08:00

I came back from work and turned on the radio. I heard this song on Class 95 and I was sure that I must get this song. I fell in love with this song because of the lyrics and also it has a remixes of PM DAWN, Set Adrift By Memory Bliss. So I went to Class 95 website and check out the now playing songlist and it just hit me right off. I was grinning ear to ear to learn that its by Nelly. One of my favourite RnB artistes.

N Dey Say

Hmmm... Nelly... One of my fav RnB artiste.

Smell Of Rain.. and my ArtyFart feelings.

2006-09-03T19:04:00.000+08:00

I watched the movie SMELL OF RAIN (http://smellofrainmovie.com/) yesterday with 3 of my colleagues at THE ART HOUSE (http://www.theartshouse.com.sg/home.html).
It was my first time there, originally was the Old Parliament House. It has a nice arty ambience which I fall in love with. It reminds me of the days when I was studying at LaSalle-SIA College of Arts. I used to draw and paint very much. I did not know why I stop suddenly. I guess its the demand and changes in certain aspect of life. But my love for arts will never die.

Personally I like the mandarin movie very much. It is simple story about a lonely young man, Xiao Qi who was trapped in his childhood grief of being abandoned by his mother, on a night before the rain started. It was that smell before rain which he hated as it would remind him of such unhappiness. He had a childhood best friend, Kong Long who shared the world of their own. Then a girl, Li Er appeared that brought along remembrance of love and pain into their lives. At the end of the story, what it wanted to convey is to find the courage for new love and hope and to put the past behind so as to carry on with new life.

It was the last day of screening so I am not sure if it will be shown anywhere again. Maybe it might be released on VCD or DVD. Its worth to watch if you like something slow and melancholy.

Happiest People

2006-08-25T10:23:00.000+08:00

The happiest people do not bother about whether life is fair.
They just make the most what they have.

The Clip That Makes Me Cry

2006-08-20T20:02:00.000+08:00

This is not a new song but everytime I hear it, I will feel like crying. And if I watch the video clip, it makes me feel worse.

How do you feel?
Is there any particular song that makes you cry?

TONG HUA by GUANG LIANG

The video clip that always makes me cry.

Inner Self

2006-08-20T13:40:00.000+08:00

From youtube, I saw this clip which was done by a local guy. I like the way he expressed. And the music is nice too. He seemed to be looking for his inner self. Then again its abit draggin at the end. Putting it up here to share.

Untitled

Here is a video clip about our inner self.

Is this funny?

2006-08-20T12:56:00.000+08:00

I was surfing youtube when I saw this clip and decided to add it here.
I guess the boys were trying to be funny or purposedly trying to insult our country if it sounds serious. What kind of humour is this when you play a fool with the NDP and the president? And daringly play the National song in the background.
I read from the comment that these boys had been charged.
So its funny or not?

NDP

Is this funny?

OVERLOADED

2006-08-20T10:19:00.000+08:00

No space to move.
No space to breathe.
I cant finish.
Yet it keeps coming.

Countless stares.
Uncommunicative.
Endless sympathies.
Some undeserving.

Caught in the ocean of grief.
Gripping the waves of energy.
Trying and trying.
Looking for that metamorphosis.

PROMISE, NEVER

2006-08-17T20:28:00.000+08:00

BURNT BY A PROMISE
SOMETHING WHICH NEVER LEARNT
A LESSON TAUGHT NOT ONCE
NEVER TO TRUST
DESPERATE TO LOVE
EAGER FOR LUST
LONELINESS ENGULF
PROVOCATIVELY PRETTIFY
PICKING UP PIECES
CARRYING ON SOMEHOW
TRY TAPING THEM
MOVING ON WITH LIFE

~ Tearing Lust ~

2006-08-17T20:14:00.000+08:00

In lust we trust that blinding passion
Building from pent up rages
Sending signs through our skin and senses
Thrusting blindly into a trance-like motion

In love we doubt of our mind together
All greatness of things seem disturbed
Lively emotions faded and worries started
Wanting badly as hope crushes

In need we ask for lust that was once there
Seamlessly blended with time and tide
Intentionally yearning for limitless
Waiting tiredly tear this disguise

In lost we leave and giving up on everything
Once it was blooming but now has gone
The flower of hope has died leaving nothing
Absently forgotten without tracing...

One More Try

2006-08-16T21:23:00.000+08:00

I have been spending hundred of hours reading people's blogs.
How about mine?

Well, I guess Im just too lazy to really get started. So I called this ONE MORE TRY. Hopefully I can get something out of my mind. Squeeze my brain juice to come out with something nice. Or at least.

We (human) are born to make mistakes. Major or minor is not that important. The consequences and the aftermaths, the responsibilities are the things that we should bear. Think again, if you know that what you going to do would become a major mistake, and you might not be able to answer for it, would you still take that step? Some people I have known would not ponder about it. They live by the moto, JUST DO IT. So what if the sky falls down on them, I would tell them to make sure they would not be crying or go away hiding. Or expect some other people to carry the baggages for them.

Many people walk around with a life, always thinking that it is meaningless. Or probably they have not been awake for a long time. Mistakenly doing things that are not important at all, or chasing after the wrong ones. So what is the purpose and meaning of having a life? Remember that we only live once. That does not mean we squander it away.

The society has been driving me increasingly insane. Having to know what should be done and what should not did not bother me too much now somehow. If I were to let them get into me, I might as well vanish from this earth sooner. Think about it again. Firstly, be responsible. Secondly, be purposeful. Thirdly, take it easy. Thats how I live my life to be, while I can. And pray religiously. He is watching somewhere.

Feelings of Last Day

2005-12-31T18:08:00.000+08:00

Last day of 2005.

A few things had happened. Surrounding me and my family.

Something that tremendously affected my lifestyle. At least for now.
A death had taken place in my family. And a few deaths in my friends' families.
All the sadness in the air which has not gone yet and it struck again!
I just could not believe but it all had happened.